If you're anything like me, you enjoy spending your cold December nights drinking hot toddies, numbly staring at the blinking Christmas lights and wondering just when you're going to cough up a lung and die already. No? It's just me? Seriously? Huh. Probably should call somebody about that.
Today's Guest Post Friday topic is Death. (I know! I'm laughing already! Oh, man, let me just catch my breath here...No, I can't! It's just TOO hilarious!) Anyway, Jessica, Marinka & I decided to give our takes on what we think about our own demises. And you'll see that we were all very introspective and deep about it. Uh-huh.
The one I wrote "My Pyramid Scheme" will be up on Jessica Bern's site at some point today.
Jessica's "Never Forget. Really, NEVER" is found on Marinka's site.
And somehow I got lucky enough to have Marinka's very funny post right here:
WELCOME TO MY FUNERAL
By Marinka (nycmomandmore.blogspot.com)
I am such a hypochondriac that when Jessica suggested that she, Wendi and I each do a post about our funerals, my first thought was "OMG, DOES SHE KNOW THAT I AM DYING?!" Because apparently in addition to being a mom, blogger and an actress, Jessica is now a part-time psychic who breaks the news of horrific ailments to other bloggers by email.
After I took my Paranoia-Be-Gone pill, however, I thought a little more about the assignment and realized that although I'd devoted a large part of my life to hypochondriazation, I had completely neglected to obsess over my own funeral. Needless to say, I was grateful for the opportunity to set that right.
I got the easy part out of the way first. I would like to be taxidermied and placed in a strategic place in our apartment. Preferably near the refrigerator, so that my family may remember me in my natural habitat.
If possible, I'd like my favorite TV shows played in a continuous loop, because what if the ancient Egyptians were right and I’ll be just in another place, without cable?
As for the service itself, I know what I don't want--I don't want a party where everyone has a lot of fun and remembers my life. Fuck that. I don't give a shit about parties unless either I am there or a celebrity is. And the only way that a celebrity will be at my funeral is if Lohan runs me over and is forced to attend to show her probation officer that she can do remorseful.
I also don't want a lot of music, because I'll probably be en route to harp lessons myself, and too many extraneous melodies will distract me.
Speeches? Eh. I've heard my nearest and dearest and believe me, I don't need to hear them again and neither do you. So, the bottom line is, to quote Yogi Berra, "surprise me." If I don't like what you've all come up with, I'll blog about it on my new blog--Motherhood in NYC and The Great Beyond. I’ll be running Google Ads there, because I figure over the course of eternity, I’ll probably get the fifty bucks.
(And yes, I know that I totally cheated with this post. But your pointing it out is really disrespectful to the dead.)
24 comments:
I hope to die in such a way that I never get to plan my funeral. My husband has 2 family memebrs in the past 4 years who died from things that took a while and each actually did plan their own funeral. It made it even sadder, so I'm in the surprise me camp too.
You assume that you'll be taking harp lessons in Heaven, but what if you don't get into Heaven? What is it then? Accordion lessons in Hell, followed up by a refresher course on '80s guitar solos?
you know, i tried to make a funny post awhile back about the possible ways i could die. I received 2 comments, both stating i needed to seek help and get out of my house.
Very funny! I love the all details.
Jen-WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WON'T GET INTO HEAVEN?!
note to self: help some old bag across the street today.
Holy shit. LOL @ "natural habitat". I've vowed to haunt my husband for eternity if I die before he does, but since I don't really believe in stuff like that, I'm thinking that insisting he spend the rest of his life with my taxidermied body in the kitchen might be a *perfect* alternative.
Marinka, what if we *bring* your taxidermied body (with or without Lohan)? Would a party be okay, then? Since, technically, you'd BE there.
I think you really missed out. What if you have to wander heaven forever in whatever attire you are now leaving it up to your husband to pick. I would either be in pasties and a garter or something embroidered with bunnies. Depending which way he thought would be more appropriate (and really, its a toss up). Must have specific instructions in some areas, or god help you in the ever after!
Very funny...let's only hope that they don't make a mistake and turn the TV on to the home shopping network by mistake.
I love "natural habitat" and "show her probation officer that she can do remorseful."
As soon as I die, I'll start waiting for your new blog. And I'll have to wait since hypochondriacs are always the last to go...
Oh my GAWD... I never thought about being taxidermed. That is brilliant, imagine if our spouses would remarry. Oh the Joys.
Oohhhh, I like the taxidermied by the fridge part. Yet another way I'll never be forgotten but again, I better be dressed for sex.
What if your natural habitat was sitting on the toilet! Not that I always am. That would be pretty funny when guests come by as the bathroom would always be occupied.
Are you sure they don't reserve harp lessons for hell?
When I die I'm going to hire Wendy, Marinka and Jessica to write my obituary.
I just want you guys to make stuff up like, Wasn't it great how Charmaine brought food to the homeless? Charmaine was a real "giver". Remember the time she told the President her company to go f herself? She was such a rascal...
Hilarious post!!
I have always wondered about taxidermification.
Where would they put the seams so they didn't show?
Marinka, with your preference for certain Really Bad Curse Words and my frequent use of said words, I'm thinking we're going to be down in the Big Hot Place together learning how to play polka tunes on fucking accordions. I'm just sayin'.
I had to come back so I could read Marinka's post...that woman cracks me up! You all did a fine job. Thanks for making me laugh and almost peeing my pants
After reading all 3, I can now show the fam that my funeral plans were not signs that I need help! There are 'others' out there who think like me!
I told them that since I'm known for my wicked sense of humor and rarely am I seen not laughing, that I wanted my mouth sewn with a HUGE cheese smile. No one is ever buried with their mouth open so the entire room went quite as they looked at me like I had 2 heads.
Well, not anymore! After I show them these 3 blogs, they'd better honor my damn wishes...post-mortem boob job and all!!
My friend Denise and I have told our townspeople that the local marching band is practicing its version of "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" for our funeral parade.
Yes, we want a parade, dammit.
"Preferably near the refrigerator, so that my family may remember me in my natural habitat."
That got me good.
All I know is - whatever happens - no ashes! I'm still traumatized by the time my dad took us all out in a little boat to scatter my aunt's ashes in her favourite little bay near our home on the coast. As my dad stood howling-like-a baby at the bow, he tipped the ashes out and they promptly blew back into my face! It took me 10 minutes to wash my aunt out my eyes.
Hypochrondriacs never die, silly. They just run out of prescriptions to try and doctors to prescribe them and friends to listen. But death? Never happen.
I have to tell you that I am so much of a hypochondriac that I never would even write a post about my death. Because harbinger of doom.
BUT, without knowing you at all, I can say confidently that I am proud of you for writing in the face of your imagined disease.
Oh! And anecdote: my old boss was so scared of death that he never bought life insurance, because he took it as a portent of his demise.
Crazy huh! (Although I so totally get it.)
thnks
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